To Wrap A Present
by Les Amis
Summary: Bernard has a pet peeve. Rated T due to a brief use of profanity and entirely unwarrented, not to mention one-sided, flirty behavior.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Disney owns The Santa Clause and Bernard, even though David Krumholtz is partially responsible for the characterization, nor do I own the Lord of the Rings or Legolas. I own the nameless female character and the situation is based largely upon my own wrapping skills.

"I don't think this is part of your job description. You really don't need to do this."

"Of course I do. You are the daughter of Santa Clause. You are surrounded by elves. You are going to learn how to wrap a present."

"Couldn't I just drop off my gifts at the wrapping center?"

"Hahaha. No. And apparently I can't trust you to PAY ATTENTION to the elves in wrapping when they try to teach you so I have to do it myself."

...

...

... "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Ugh, here."

"This looks like construction paper."

"Yes, well, you need to practice on a thicker grade of paper and then you can work your way to the better quality... What are you doing?"

"Wrapping a present?"

"You have to measure out the paper first! You can't just start... how much tape did you use!"

"I don't know! I just put some tape on it."

"That whole side is covered in tape! Here let me show you."

"Fine. Go right ahead. So, since you are busy doing that, I'm just going to go and . . ."

"No, you are not. You are going to stand _right here_ and watch me _very carefully_. Now, you unroll some paper. Place the box in the center of the paper and roll the paper around the whole gift. Cut the paper . . ."

"I've figured that much out already, Einstein."

"Just-TRY- to pay attention."

"I AM paying attention."

"Right. Ok, so after you cut the paper you need to trim the edges before folding the sides down. The corner pieces should look like triangles. So, why don't you work on one and I'll do the same so you can look over in case you forgot something?"

"Sure. Fine. Whatever makes you go away... shouldn't you be supervising the factory or brown nosing my dad, anyway?"

"Shut. Up. And. Wrap. The. Present." 

. . .

"Bernard?"

"Yes?"

"Something doesn't look right."

"Ok. So tell me what you've done up to this point."

"Couldn't you just LOOK at it?"

"No. I'm at a critical stage in the process of wrapping a present. Besides, repetition fosters learning."

"Smart ass."

"We don't use that kind of language at the North Pole!"

"What? Are you afraid that I'm going to corrupt you; oh! Are your delicate little ears tingling from the impropriety?"

"Not at all. However, some of the younger elves aren't so accustomed to the vulgarities of the human world."

"Whatever, Legolas."

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"**Stop trying to distract me!** Now, what was the problem?"

"One side of my present is really short."

"That's why I told you to place the package in the center of the paper! Now you are going to have to throw that paper out and start all over."

"It's just paper!"

"No, it is time and resources! Do you think that the wrapping materials just magically appear?"

"Why not? Everything else does around here!"

"Name one!"

"Milk!"

"Reindeer."

"Excuse me?"

"We milk the reindeer. Why do you think we have so many?"

"That is _so_ disgusting."

"Not really. Now **GET BACK TO WORK**!"

. . .

. . .

"Snip. Snip snip. Snip. RIIIIP."

"WHAT did you just DO?"

"I trimmed the edges."

"With your bare hands!"

"Well, I _was _using the scissors but then I noticed there was this piece sticking up..."

"So you ripped it off!"

"It's going to my mother! She used to accept macaroni necklaces from me! I doubt she is going to care that the wrapping job sucks."

"Let's- let's just keep going."

. . .

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"I'm taping the ends down."

"That isn't a triangle!"

"No, I think it's a trapezoid . . . but then again it has been awhile since I took geometry."

"This present is wrapped in loose, wrinkled paper that has jagged ends and which has white marks in various places from where you tore the paper."

"So?"

"SO! Just give me the rest if your presents. I'll wrap them! Santa works very hard to give children all over the world beautiful presents wrapped in shiny, thoughtfully prepared paper and he deserves the same treatment!"

"It's just paper!"


	2. Chapter 2

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Bernard! Open the door! Bernard! Bernie! Beornheard!"

"GO….wait. What was that last one?"

"Beornheard. It is the Old English cognate which replaced the original Germanic spelling of Bernhard, the original spelling of your name. It means hardy bear, by the way. "

. . .

KNOCK KNOCK THUMP

. . .

. . .um . . . Bernard? Could you let me in? It's cold and I'm only wearing one shoe."

"Why, may I ask, are you only wearing one shoe. In the snow. At the NORTH POLE?"

"Because I threw the other one at your door. Come on B, your awake now and it's cold! I brought you your Christmas present . . . "

"Fine. "

STOMP STOMP STOMP. RATTLE. SQUEAK. WHOOSH.

"What is it?"

"Here, open it!"

"No, seriously, what is this? This couldn't possibly be wrapping paper. It has two different patterns on it."

"Oh, yeah, I ran out of one kind of wrapping paper half-way through. But, hey! It's red AND green!"

"….and blue. I take it you wrapped this one before our lesson yesterday."

"No. I wrapped it after. You didn't think I was going to give you the opportunity to see it before Christmas Day."

"And you couldn't figure out that I can't stand poorly wrapped gifts. Even after all of that?"

"Oh, no, I knew that. I just didn't care. So . . . did you get me anything?"

"Yeah it's in the bedroom . . ."

"Woah, hey! I like you, Bernard, but you've got to at least buy me dinner first."

"WH-WHAT! No, I didn't mean! I just! I MEANT that I left the gift back there and that I'll go get it!"

"Great! 'Cause I was really not looking forward to being subjected to your attempts at being sexy. Somehow, I don't think you could pull it off—it's probably because of your cute little sparkly cheeks!"

"OW! Hey, knock it off! Why do people think that it's O.K to pinch another person's cheeks, anyway?"

"Again, I know it's not. I just didn't care. Now, open your present!"

RIIIIIIPPPPP

. . .

. . .

. . .

"It's. It's BEAUTIFUL!"

"I know! It took me all night to do, too. So don't ever open it. Trust me, there isn't anything inside, anyway."

"I KNEW you were paying attention!"

"Yeah, well, enjoy it. Put it on a shelf or something."

"Oh, no, this is going in my office! I've never seen such a perfectly wrapped present! But, um, next year how about we try to work on bows?"


End file.
